Millions of people watch the Super Bowl every year. It has become the spectacle of a purely American quasi-holiday that embodies some of our most decadent collective attributes. We gorge ourselves on food in the spirit of Thanksgiving, but it’s usually of the even less healthy variety. We drink too much like July 4th, Labor Day, or ANY other holiday for that matter, and we fire up the 86 inch flatscreen to watch a gladiatorial sporting event rife with violent collisions and spandex.
In between the bouts of on-field action, corporations bombard us with outrageously consumeristic subliminal commercials, designed solely to linger in our subconscious for the rest of our lives. I remember absolutely nothing from Trigonometry, but I can never forget the Bud-Wise-Er frogs or the Doobie-doobie-doo penguins. Ever.
Despite my mathematical deficiencies, I estimate that at least one-sixth of the millions that watch the game do so under duress. They are either bored, there because of peer pressure, and will suffer through every second. They would much rather watch something else, anything else! They don’t even laugh at the commercials.
If your partner is one of these people and you want to watch the game with them, but you don’t want them to hate you until Valentine’s Day, I have a fun solution that might work: Prop Bets.
According to Wikipedia, prop bets, or a “proposition bet” is a bet made regarding the occurrence or non-occurrence during a game of an event not directly affecting the game’s outcome. And let’s face it: Your significant other does not care about the game’s outcome.
Some people think prop bets are only for the true degenerates of the gambling community. Still, I say a few strategically aligned small wagers on a chronology of events during the game can keep a Super Bowl Hating Significant Other interested and included enough to watch and maybe even enjoy the game with you.
You could place a small wager on the coin flip, for instance. Heads or Tails. No prior football knowledge required. Now you’ve got them to the beginning of the game which, as you know, is no small feat.
Maybe throw a few dollars down on whether or not the broadcast shows Jay-Z during the game. Or the Golden Gate Bridge. Or Drake. You can place a bet as to whether or not a fan runs onto the field. Will an animal other than a bird make an appearance on the field of play? Believe it or not, you can place a bet on it. Make it like an I-Spy kind of thing, and you’ve got your partner included and watching.
What color will Gatorade be the winning team dump on their coach? Which will be higher, President Trump’s approval rating on the day of the game or the yardage of the longest reception? Now you may have a chance to teach your partner a little something about the actual game, and maybe, just maybe, they’ll get excited to watch it with you.
If you need/want to get them or yourself through the grueling halftime show without falling into a coma from too many nachos, chicken wings, and light beers, you can place an informed wager on whether or not J-Lo will show any butt-cleavage. I am not kidding.
And so a few small bets might keep your special someone that’s otherwise disinterested in the game at least paying attention to it while you drone on and on to your friends about Nickel Packages or Cover 4 Zone in what sounds like a foreign language to your partner.
Remember: Keep it fun and keep it light. Even if you can afford it, do you want anyone to know you just bet $1500 on the color of Demi Lovato’s hair during the national anthem? Save that money for the Chiefs at -1.5. I’ll be watching the game on February 2nd, but the real question is: Will we see a wardrobe malfunction? It’s 5 to 1 odds.